with Noyontara

I have reached an equilibrium where it's not always bad. NT is growing up, she's in class 5 and she is 10+ years now. She's the most breathtaking creature I've seen. She's smart and reliable. She's so full of love, she likes to take care of kids, she's nurturing and kind, but she can hold her own and be a leader. She is messy and obstinate. She hugs me like there's no tomorrow. She hates, hates reading, but she loves, loves, loves stories. She's growing up every day. She's surprising me when she does.  I love you so much Mona. I know I can't say the right thing at the right time. I wish that all your wants come true.  I love you, kid. 

After getting criticized harshly, I broke off relations with a family member. Maybe that was a bad reaction, but it felt right at the time. 

So, we travelled back to Dhaka today. I couldn't sleep. Every time I nodded off, something happened. Either It was the pressing matter of nature's call number 2, or the child in the next seat screaming his head off. No wonder his head was so freaking big.  We started off strong. Most things went according to plan. The previous day, all the chickens were distributed amongst three ladies. Jobeda Auntie took home 2 chickens and 9 chicks, Shiuli Apu took 3 chickens and Lokman Bhabi took the remaining one. The 3 male ones were slaughtered, along with the sick one. The goat was taken care of days ago. All of our grains were put in the building, so the rats will have a harder time.  We packed up all of our things. If I knew I was coming back so soon, I wouldn't have taken all of my things back to Gaibandha. I finally felt at home there. Dhaka is a festering pool of overpopulation, traffic jams, dengue and recklessness. I want to go back to Gaibandha where it is easier to breathe....

Noyontara soiled the bed, then woke up and realized her mistake. After that, she proceeded to run away to my bed.  Mom woke up from the wet mattress and then was soo angry. The next day was stinky, but fortunately, we had Jobeda Aunty and the Sun was optimal for drying pillows( yes pillows, not pillowcases), mattresses, huge batches of laundry, etc.  This little girl was only repentant when Mom was screaming, otherwise, she was rather cheerful and it kept rubbing everyone wrong.  She lost another chick to the mongoose, but she managed to retrieve the carcass. It was pitiful to see a little girl walking around with the dead bird. I felt sorry for being angry at her in the morning. 

Today I have asked her to revise 'Rainy Season' and write it. She decided to take the difficult way. I took some pictures of her glaring at me and threatened to upload them. Since then she has thrown a tantrum. She laments coming to heel, but I must do it. This is a nightmare. I don't think I am ever going to be a parent of my own volition. I hate being cruel. She is running away to avoid being photographed. It seems she is concerned about how the world perceives her. It doesn't matter how we do. She is immovable in the face of my mother's punishments or tirades, she doesn't care how we see her, however, she wants to keep nice facade to the world.  I think I am especially worried and mad because I heard her saying 'I love you' to her teacher.  What is my world coming to?